new years quotes

among the more quotable quotes from last night’s new year festivities:

me: looks like you’re drinking apple cider!
him: yeah, it’s kinda like apple cider. a little stronger and maybe not as sweet. it ‘gets the job done’ quicker.
me: wow, that sounds great. what is it?
him: scotch.

convo between two neighbors:
neighbor1: i’m going to get you ear plugs for christmas.
neighbor2: haha that would be awesome!
#1: is my snoring really that bad? my girlfriend says it’s pretty loud.
#2: well, not the snoring, but the, um, uh, ‘other’ noises.

a stranger is talking to uliana at a party. i sit down across from her as she gets up to move to another room.
him, after she leaves: fucking russians
my friend: well, that “fucking russian” is a very good friend of mine and his wife.
him: that russian is your wife?
i nod.
him: i think i need a smoke.

around 3:00 AM
uliana: i think i need to go home. i have helicopters.